clandestines

im here again.

writing this nonsense series of alpahebet letters.

i just cant make any fact today.

i am bombed.

i want to watch BOF and Regata.

i am reading Complex right now.

i am having a hard time dealing with smart and globe.

my mouse is not working properly.

the floor is so shiny i am tripping down all over.

i am in room 42, right in front of my previous room.

i want to go to baybay.

i miss ate kat and charisse so badly.

i have seen how scary everything can be.

the phone is ringing.

manong domeng picked it up.

i cannot understand why other guys are hooked up on basketball.

most of my friends are so loud you can hear them laugh from a mile away.

the song ‘nappeun ma-eum eul mok-keh-hae’ is stuck in my mind.

my dad sent a text message, i replied after 2 hours.

i can see new dormers around the tv area.

two of them asked me just now if internet is available.

before i typed this, i was looking outside the window.

i just received a wap message from smart 6960.

i feel so old around these strange people.

i wish im with kat and karl right now.

i hope to see my classmates soon.

kat is asking me if i could get a certain certificate at school.

i am going to school tomorrow.

i can hear some bisaya-speaking sophomores outside.

the sky is gray, looks like it is going to pour down anytime.

i am tired (of typing this).

i have not taken a shower for today.

i am wearing a purple hoodie and brown hollister shorts.

kat and kuya tonio IMed me just now.

cha has just sent a text message saying “ganu kada lybs?”

i am so amazed by how ed has turned into some soyamilk freak and got fat.

i am sleepy.

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as fritz tries to read hangeul and charisse and ate kat swayed over twilight zone, i recalled the moments of PAWARAS the night of Boy’s Dorm’s sem-ender party. wooot! sooo not good to hear all my friends teasing me about being drunk. pffffffffff. i felt like a wild goose, fidgety and wants to urinate but cannot! at least i did not puke. wahaaaa! it was fun though. oh well. i am writing this because i just wanted to write something out of thin cold air (watda–?). and then something popped out of my mind. WHY AM I STILL HERE? why am i not home yet? crap. i want to get home. but i guess i have to face the real deal when i step on the airport and get on the plane. and find something there that will cause me to break down (and cry?) and/or just laugh out loud. and what the hell am i thinking? i dont know. help me. i am lacking sleep. a very valuable time of sleeping, i am wasting it. anyway, i would be hibernating when i get back home, haha, just wait. but for now, let me tell you something about what happened early this evening.
i packed my things only to find out i have tons of boxes stacked all over the room. ohmayghad. havent finished plunging my clothes in the luggages (actually i dont have one,haha). [wait, i smell something which reminded me of the first sem. awww] and then i was almost done. i was ready to take a shower when i realized i put everything in the boxes. i meant EVERY thing, including my bath stuff. darn. i needed to RANSACK every single box to find them. pffffffff. i got so tired doing that. so okay. i just went out and had dinner (actually it seemed like a feast) with friends. [by the way, fritz is having a hard time reading korean language and is currently yawning] we took photos, played billiards, and paid for videoke. wahaa, enjoyment was enjoyment. and the thought of going HOME crushed me. wuhuhu, i really want to go home and sleeeep forever.

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i would like to be born as a bird or a fish. why? because they would never thought of anything else but where to fly to or to swim about. if life would be that simple for them, i would exactly wish to be dead right now. i dont know what to think anymore (if i really am thinking at all).
as of the moment, my mind is a total darkness — meaning its all black and blank.

but there is a great difference between being a bird and being a fish. for a bird, all it has to do is spread its wings and fly away with everything that is in its heart, not caring what will be left behind but making sure to know where exactly to go. for a fish, it may dive into the deepest ocean just to know that there is nothing there but a pitch black water surrounding a lonely heart.

no matter how lonely i would feel, i need stay strong and focused that if ever i must lose control and left astray, i know there could be someone who would run into me and say that everything would be alright — like a fairy tale huh? but life is no fairy tale to me. it may when i know that happiness is within me with all the people i care for are beside me, knowing that i could take care of them for the rest of my life. if i am to be the fish, i will definitely assure to have a very supportive wind beneath my wings, the one that be with for the rest of my journey of life and would guide me to my right destiny, the one that would never ever leave me, for when it did, i will lose myself in the air. and if i am to be the fish, i will make sure that the water i am swimming in is suitable for my gills; for when it is polluted, i could get myself in danger. and also i will defend myself from attackers, predators and the likes; for without them, it would be very plain to be surviving alone. and they would make a good challenge to prove my worth and belongingness in the sea.

it would be very good to have a life like those of the bird and the fish. but living like them isnt that simple at all. they are just too carefree to look at, as if there is no problem or anything. i tell you, being a bird would worry you over thinking how to go against gravity; and being a fish, to control bouyancy and not drown yourself in the water. those things are difficult to do if you are a human but then, birds and fishes have adopted many mechanisms to overcome these obstacles.

just how superior humans are in the world, they are just as weak as baby when it comes to emotional paths. i for one is a downright nervewrack. i am easily broken. just as when the bird loses its feathers or the fish loses its fins, i could never get back as a whole again. maybe yes, but slowly. and painfully.

when i think of death, i think fearfully. i dont know why but i am afraid of dying. losing my soul and giving up my heartbeat. i just cant imagine and feel it not beating at all. its sooo difficult for me (talking about being a nerverack).

even so, i still want to die (maybe not now, i have so much to do like examas and reports, darn!) but now that i am still breathing and busting out horrid thoughts, i am just meditating on the ways of how to be occupied and be happy about everything. just know what path to chose and choices to make. for when i get wrong, id be the bird or the fish right there and then!

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it all started when charisse ate kat and i began watching korean movies in room12..all movies came out to be very sad and damn tear-jerker! charisse started  crying and even ate kat..from  daddy long-legs, the classic and …ing, we cried and cried until we ran out of booger..the three of us slept at 7am..darn, i need to edit my thesis paper and try to submit it by 4pm the next day (which is today)..and whoa, i woke up at 1pm, havent even printed the paper..

as i was riding on the jeepney, i passed 278 motorists along the road..sooo sleepy..i cant sleep..the turns and thuds made me so uncomfortable..i cleared the web of hair away from my eyes as i noticed the guy watching me from the front side mirror..darn, i was soooo pissed off..he thinks of something, i know..hahaha!

and so i was there, staring at sir sadaba checking on my 72-page thesis paper..damn, we had to do at least five revisions to be able to bind it finally..sh*t..and then i found myself touring around SM after that..i was alone, looking blankly at the floor as i walk along the tight corridors of the mall..i thought of someone i am sooo mad at..god, *he makes me sooo mad!

then the next thing i remember, i was in the cebu pacific airline ticketing outlet..i just wanted to inquire about the fare rate..pfffffffff, sitting there so stiff and uneasy was not my idea at all..but i must, for i wanted to really go back home immediately..haiiissssh

and then, i am back at the dorm..fidgety fidgety fidgety! we were so eager to have another round of movie marathon..and then, what happened was soooooo outrageous! we took time on struggling to understand the movie, quarantine..shoot, i have never ever creamed in terror like this to a crappy horror movie as that..i cant think straight, we were so ‘jumpy’..one thing dropped on the floor and we cream like hell! hahahaha! coool! i really honestly cried in terror..huuuh

and a minute after i publish this, we were on again for another scary movie..never mind the exam on monday, hahaha

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i really wish i’m not the way i’m used to be..

i just feel a little different now..

i feel awkward..

i feel isolated..

i feel so far-fetched (darn, hahahah!)

even when i eat my meals, i just feel a bit different than i was before..i dont know!

there’s something about that that i cannot figure out..

it needs confirmation..

it needs confessions..

it seeks truth..

it asks for something that is to be really given..

thinking how the story began, i get myself into confusion..

it seems to be a little under hypocracy that you started something and then suddenly (so suddenly) pulled out..

it is such a lame excuse of being irresponsible, you hypocrite..

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you will know what i mean when i say:

• “go away” - you’re bugging me
• “i hate you” - i’m mad at you
• “grrr, i hate this” - i don’t understand something
• “what the ~” - i don’t believe on something that’s being told
• “damn” - i remember something stupid, plus hitting my head
• “(nothing, plus eyebrows raised)” - i don’t believe you, you’re kidding me
• “hooooy!” - look at me, i’m here
• “leche!” - i’m mad at someone not too far from me
• “tara, dali, dasiga” - it’s all my treat!
• “weh?!” - you’re kidding me, and shocked
• “ay ambot ah!” - i’m annoyed
• “yudipug*!” - i’m totally pissed
• “holy shi*!” - can’t believe i’ve done something
• “ano daw?” - i didn’t understand something
• “ano liwat?” - i’m lost, i want you to repeat what you just said
• “agi!” - you’re annoying (male)
• “bit*h” - you’re annoying (female)
• “ay wait!” - i need to tell you something
• “hey you!” - wala lang, naggugulat lang
• “(nothing with head bent down)” - i’m guilty
• “yey!” - thank you
• “(nothing, plus smiling)” - i’m thinking something stupid/green/crazy
• “ha-ha-ha” - you’re corny
• “oh my god!” - i’m scared about something
• “ahaaaay” - i’m sad
• “tuod?” - i want to confirm something
• “sure ka?” - i’m doubting you
• “wala lang” - i’m hiding something or i don’t want you to know it
• “anu to?” - i want to know
• “anu gani?” - i really want to know
• “halin di bi!” - i’m angry, go away
• “tse!” - tampo ako sa`yo
• “aiiiish” - i’m so irritated
• “ay lilintigan” - you awed me
• “gai ko na bi” - i also want that (food)
• “cute cute” - i want to have it
• “coool!” - i’m amazed
• “wahaaaa!” - i’ve done or thought of something stupid, and laughs
• “wait lang, wait lang” - i’m not getting it
• “ugh!” - someone irritates me
• “rwaarrr! - i want to end this all up
• “grrrrr” - something’s bugging my pointless mind
• “STFU” - you’re a dumbass/jerk
• “hah?” - i don’t get it
• “ngek” - you’re overstating something
• “OA na” - stop it, you’re exaggerated
• “sure sure” - i agree; i want to do it; it’s ok with me; no problem
• “ipot mo!” - stop bugging me
• “tae ah” - i reacted on something funny
• “ay ka-buysit” - something’s funny or corny
• “ay abaw!” - something’s overdone
• “shut up” - stop it
• “ay, wala na eh” - why didn’t you do that?
• “aw sus ah!” - somewhat amazed

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there’s no way i could survive this month without getting hungry (because i grow even hungrier everyday!), without getting any sleep, without having my computer burst into flame (overheating?)…dammit!

could there be any other options?
i am living up to the last breath for today but it’s as if making this stupid paper could cut my respiratory tract the moment i open my eyes when i wake up! dammit!

i get no sleep; i even skip meals..
i have no time to laugh with my friends..no chikamoviemarathon for now..

i never felt so busy and occupied like this in my whole 20 years of existence..
darn, i can’t wait to go back home..

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Ching = Daddy, Mommy ( kung good mood), si Karl kag Dean

Bonsai = tawag sakon ni Daddy, Mommy, ni Ate Bub kag ni Ate K (kung akig)

Putot = Daddy (kung naga-joke)

Nak = Daddy (kung naga-lambing)

Babi = Mommy (kung naga-angga)

Tots = Ate K, Ate Bub, kis-a si Daddy man

Jaejoong = tawganay namon ni Ate K

Dennis = tawganay namon ni Xyza

Bunching = my aunts and uncles

Ate Bonsai = my younger cousins

Lib/Libbey Anne = elementary and highschool classmates

Libay = si Myrna

Dizon = si Geston kag si Noel, si Karl man kung kis-a

Partz = si Ivy lang gid (halin elementary asta subong)

Libs/Libbey = college friends

Wibby = si Felice (kung sa text)

Babae = si Katrina lang gid!

Pumbaa = tawag ni Blue sakon, kay sya si Timone pagfirst year, hehehe

Livi = ang pagspell sang babae sa netopia

Nebbie = ang pagkabati sang cashier sa chowking

Neng/Ta/Ga/Day = mga jeepney/tricycle driver

Levi/Levs = tanging si Venus lamang (sang first year pa ni kami, roommate!)

Lebbie = si Veah,kag Manang Rose

Libat/Libbah = si May

Lebe = si David

Libbeh = si Piya

Ribby/Ribs = si Jerry

Ribbee = si Jerry gyapon (kung high-pitch)

Lebbeih = sina Dax kag Noel

Gokusen = si Noel (sang naghampang kami pingpong)

Adeeek = si Dax

Lib’bitch = na-shock gid ko pagtawag sini sakon ni Twinkle, haha

Billy = si Charmee (sang History 1 namon)

Apan = si Duyduy (sang gintawag ko sya apan kay naka-shades sya)

Bitch = Piya kag May, hahaha (kay parehas kami tatlo) :]

Abno/Bonjing = si May (kung wala maubra sa kabuhi nya)

Nang Libbey = lower years sa school

Ate Libe = si JM kag si Nurs

Ate L’ebay = si Roy lang gid gatawag sini sakon

Ate Libs = mga dormmates

Baboy = tawag ni Ed sakon kay ginatawag ko sya Tarsier, kag ni JC pa gid gali

Bigatot/Alpot = Ate Kat kag si Charisse

Bruha/Piglet = Ate Kristy

Princess Rocha/Jolibee/Honey/Yaebo = Kenno

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